My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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