I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
