i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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