we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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