how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
