is your mom at the bar?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
so much tequila, so little girl.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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