No awkward lesbian experiences without me
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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