my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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