be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
