Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
