no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
