i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
