I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
