I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
