your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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