Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
