If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
