she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
