By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
