if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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