Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
