the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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