ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
