using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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