my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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