I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
