i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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