Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
