If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
