You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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