apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
