I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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