Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
