I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
