Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
