McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
