My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
