Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
