so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
