Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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