I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
