...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
