My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
