I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
