On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize