He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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