you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
