I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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