Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
