i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
