I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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