I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I could fuck to npr.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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