you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They took my balls.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize