My friends, they love my intelligence
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
