Your mouth is God's brothel.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
