Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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