her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my shit smells like andre
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
