I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
