Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
