How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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