Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
