So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
