So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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