you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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